You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
