Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
