There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
