brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
