Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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