i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
