theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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