just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
