you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
If I die, sorry about rent.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
