hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
