you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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