you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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