I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
i think i just lost a toe
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
