I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
