Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
