Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
need another drink. this is the easiest way
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
