dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
