I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
