Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
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Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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