If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
So many bounce houses so little time
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
