Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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