smell my finger.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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