I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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