Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
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