If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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