I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
