The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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