Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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