Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
