wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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