I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
