what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
