i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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