just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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