I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
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Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
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My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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