Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
