They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
