awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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