hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
