I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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