If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
