I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
