Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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