He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
