My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
