I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
