I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
