I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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