Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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