Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
