Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
