i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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