Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
