So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
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We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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