R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Randomize
