thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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